M Is For The Maiming That She Brought Me
by Battybuddy
Summary: Hell hath no fury like Jazz's Mother-in-law. She's majorly ticked that Jazz has never been able to put a stop to Devans evil once and for all...
1. Intro

Note: These characters do not belong to me. They are Epics. I should also note that this story was never really finished (It's missing the final chapter), but if enough of you like it, drop me a review, and I'll tack on an ending when I get to it.

Batty Buddy presents...  
  
M Is For The Maiming That She Brought Me.  
  
Prologue  
  
"TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!"  
"You know- I forget, what are they arguing about again?" Eva said, turning to her husband.  
"Well, it started as an conversation over the best way to reduce tension in the middle-east... but now it's a fight over which 'Phroote snaax' brand is a better deal." Jazz mumbled. (Ok, now you OFFICIALLY know that this is a Batty Buddy story.) Picking up the remote, he switched channels.  
It was one of those few dark rainy nights around the castle where nothing seemed to happen, and Jazz and his siblings were making the most of it. Jazz was watching TV with Eva, and Spaz and Lori were playing Commander Keen.  
"HAH!! You died AGAIN! My turn..." Lori smirked, pushing her brother off the seat, then pounding away at the buttons like a maniac. "Hey! That's not fair! I can't believe that darn dopefish ate me again!" His eyes narrowed and grew dark. "That fish..." he mumbled under his breath. "Um... You say something." Spaz's eyes went back to their normal look. "Oh... Nothing..."  
All of a sudden, there was a bright flash- and the lights, TV, and computer all went out. "AAAGH! I'VE GONE BLIND!!" "No, silly- the power just went out." "Why does this resemble foreshadowing to me?"  
  
Thump!  
  
Everyone shut their mouths at the mysterious thump noise. "What the HECK was THAT?!?" "Sounded like a water buffalo skydiving!" "How do you know what a water buffalo skydiving sounds like?" "Well, how else would YOU describe it- you're so smart?" "Um... well... it sounds like..." "You can't can you?" "OK-SO I CAN'T!" "Calm down everyone- I'll go see what it is. If I'm not back in 2 minutes-cover me." "Go get em, bro!" Walking as softly as he could, Jazz felt his way round the darkness to the stairs, then headed for the front door.  
'Gee... Sure is quiet around here... seems almost like one of those Twilight Zone episodes... where the guy hears a mysterious sound, goes to check it out, and winds up having the blood sucked outta his neck... Good thing I don't scare easily.' Jazz thought to himself as he crept to the door and opened it. It was raining pretty hard outside, and it was near impossible to see more then a few feet away.  
"Um... Hello? Who's there?" Jazz said nervously, looking around. Suddenly, he felt himself being violently grabbed by the neck, and he came face to face with a large pair of very angry-looking eyes...  
  
"AARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" "JAZZ!" Eva, Spaz, and Lori all shouted at the same time. Running to the source of the noise, they met with a rather disturbing sight:  
A soaking-wet, large dark figure... a soaking-wet large dark FAT figure, that is- was holding a smaller figure that looked like Jazz by the neck.  
"eva..." Jazz managed to gasp out.  
Then the lights turned on again, revealing the newcomers identity...  
"eva... your... mother's home..."  
  
I sure HOPE this is to be continued...  
  
By the way, to help me with continuity- anyone have a clue as to what Eva's mother's first name is, or will I have to make up my own?


	2. We got some catching up to do

Now it's time to start the fun;

Here comes Chapter #1

Chapter 1

We got some catching up to do.

"Um... Your not still mad about that whole launching you into outer space thing are you?" Spaz said meekly.

"HEY MOM... It's Ok..." Eva said, trying to convince her mother to drop her husband. "Jazz took care of that whole problem..."

A short time later...

"... And after Devan changed back into his old self, Jazz caused the time machine to malfunction, and got the ring back." She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a jewelry case the size of a honeydew melon. Opening it, she revealed a diamond the size of her head. "And we got remarried just as soon as he got back."

"You're remarried, huh... WAIT A SECOND!" She then lifted Jazz up to eye level. "You haven't had KIDS yet, have you?!?" "um... no?" "Good answer!" Jazz felt the great relief of his mother-in-law letting go of his neck... seconds before he felt the great pain of landing on the floor very hard. "Well, since Devan HAS been defeated- I guess, I owe you a bit of an apology." "Um... Yeah- Devan..." Jazz said nervous. While he HAD defeated Devan that time, the nerdy turtle didn't seem to know the meaning of the word 'Surrender'. He came back just as strong as last time, and the LAST time Queen Earlong found out that Carrotus was still threatened by Devan... well, Jazz was STILL trying to forget that little show of rage. If there was only some way to break it to her...

"Yeah!" Spaz said, without a second thought. "And if you think THAT was a great victory, you should have seen Bro when he defeated Devan last week- he was all like... MMmmph " His sister put her hand over his big fat mouth. "Ix-nay on the urtle-tay." said Lori through clenched teeth.

However, by the look on Queen Earlong face, the message had sunk in...

"Kid..." She said in mock sweetness to Jazz. "Could you do me a favor?" "Um... I guess..." "Get a dictionary."

Jazz ran off into the study and returned two seconds later with the requested book. "Look up 'Defeat'."

"Um... Defeat: v. 1) to conquer or overthrow." "Ok... Now that we have a clear definition, can you honestly use that word to currently describe Devan Shell?" Jazz shyly shook his head, then braced for impact...

"THEN WHY THE HECK NOT!?!??!?!?" Jazz's ears blew back at a speed that made him wonder why they didn't just snap off.

"Now hold on- wait a second..." Lori said, wanting to do something in defense of her big brother. "Did you ever think that maybe Devans a little tougher then he looks?" "HA. That poindexter? If I were the one holding the gun, Devan's head would be a decorative centerpiece by now." "Oh yeah? Well then where were YOU all those times he tried taking over this planet." "Look, whoever you are- I was in the hospital with a broken leg the week he kidnapped my daughter, and as for the other times I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH SUSPENDED IN THE COSMOS!"

Eva jumped in between them. "Um... I'm sure we're all just a little tired right now. What do you say we turn in and try to work this out like SENSIBLE rabbits in the morning?" Both combatants growled softly, but eventually nodded.

Later that night, Spaz was wandering the halls of the castle on his nightly trip to the kitchen for a midnight snack(and in totally unrelated news, a few OTHER rabbits went without breakfast the next morning .). On his way back, he passed by Jazz's room... And noticed that the door was open. 'Hmm... Must have not been closed all the way.' he thought to himself. Closing it, he then headed back to his room...

He didn't notice a shadowy figure hiding in the corner... A figure holding a couple of very familiar-looking items... The figure breathed a sigh of relief, then crept down the hall to the front door...

The next morning found Spaz waiting for Lori to get out of the bathroom so he could use it. As he was waiting, he heard Jazz and Eva having a talk in their room.

"Eva- have you seen my bandana? I can't seem to find it." Spaz paused for a second. Jazz's bandana was his favorite(all be it, one of his only) article of clothing. He never took it off, except at night, and even then, it was always put at arms reach. Something was amiss with that...

"You probably just misplaced it, look around- it'll turn up." "Yeah, you maybe right." 'Hmm, false alarm.' thought Spaz, and he started to try to knock for the 3rd time to get Lori to hurry up.

"HEY, wait a second... My GUN'S gone TOO!!!"

Something in Spaz's brain clicked(And it wasn't the usual thing in his brain that clicks.) as he recalled the words Queen Earlong had said last night...

"... If I were the one holding the gun, Devan's head would be a decorative centerpiece by now..."

... He gulped audibly.

"Oh jeeze- she wouldn't-- Would she?"

Forgetting about the bathroom, he ran over to the queen's bedroom...

She was gone.

Did she? Is she going to? Who should we be fearful for- Queen Earlong... Or Devan? Naw, not Devan- he's a jerk and deserves whatever he gets.

To be continued...


	3. MomBGone

Disclaimer: Not mine, blah blah blah...

Chapter 2

Is ready to view.

Chapter 2

Mom-B-Gone

"GONE?!?" Jazz said shocked. "Whattaya MEAN gone?"

"Just like I said, Bro... She must have snuck into your room last night and swiped your stuff." "Why would she be crazy enough to do something like that?"

Everyone looked at Lori...

"What? I didn't think she'd be so stubborn as to actually TRY it..." She said, nervously shrugging her shoulders. "I... couldn't just stand there while she read Jazz the riot act!!" "Well, at least she couldn't have gotten too far." Jazz said hopefully, "It's easily an 10-hour trip to Devan's lab on foot for someone like her, and we can probably get there in under an hour." "Yeah, but she's got a head start, so we'd better get a move on."

Meanwhile, in Devans Laboratory;

"DEEDEE- DO NOT TOUCH THAT BUTTON YOU STOOOPID GIRL!!!"

Oops... sorry- wrong laboratory.

Devan shell had just been mulling over his notes on what goes wrong in each attempt to conquer carrotus when his hench lizard crept in.

"Hey boss?"

"Not now... I'm busy."

"But- well, you know that radar transmitter you put on the green bunny's bandana a while back?"

"What about it?"

"Well, the radar's making a lot of beeping noises and the little dot is coming closer to the center of the screen... what does that mean?"

"WHAT!?!?" Devan jumped up. Following his lackey Devan went up to the radar. Sure enough, the dot WAS slowly coming towards the center.

"A SURPRISE attack?" Devan questioned. "But I haven't done ANYTHING yet." Jazz may have been his archenemy, but usually it was DEVAN who did the surprise attacks- Jazz was more of a retaliator. "Hmm... seems to be moving slower then he usually does... Ah well, I can't take this lying down- lets get ready for the attack. That rabbit won't catch US unprepared..."

"This is going to be sweet; no more Devan, no more random attacks from those slimy reptiles, no more of this "Turtles Vs. Rabbits" nonsense(I mean honestly- this stupid war of Devans has ruined a lot of friendships.). And NOBODY will ever say that I never pulled my fair share again." Queen Earlong muttered to herself. Squinting off into the distance, she saw a large metallic dome.

Devan's lab- she was almost there.

"Say your prayers, you lousy lizard with a lid. Your soft-shelled carcass is MINE!"

To be continued... in Chapter 3

The parent trap

(HA! I kill me...)

By the way, I just made up the radar transmitter. Since Jazz rarely ever takes his bandana off, I figured Devan would be smart and sneaky enough to use it to keep an eye on where his foe is at any given time. As for exactly WHEN Devan planted it, well, I don't know. Just take your favorite war tavern story where Jazz and Devan fight, and say that it was secretly planted during THAT battle.


End file.
